We're all familiar with compassion and anger individually, but what happens when they occur together? It seems like an unlikely combination, like a peanut butter and onion sandwich—not something you'd typically order.
Compassion is about kindness, caring, and a willingness to help. It's a positive emotion associated with thoughtfulness and decency. When you feel compassion for someone, you naturally want to help them. Anger, on the other hand, is quite the opposite. It's characterized by annoyance, displeasure, and hostility – not qualities we typically associate with being helpful or thoughtful.
So, how can we reconcile a willingness to help with feelings of hostility? While this may seem reminiscent of codependency, that's not what we're exploring here.
Consider these scenarios:
After investing considerable time and effort in an internship, a close friend discovers it won't count towards their goals. They're devastated, distraught, and filled with hopelessness. In this state, they lash out at you, saying hurtful and gut-wrenching things.
You receive a life-threatening diagnosis. A week later, your best friend, seemingly out of nowhere, gets angry with you because of something another friend did and cuts off communication.
Your boss harshly criticizes your performance, leaving you feeling useless and fearing termination. The next day, you learn your mother has passed away after a two-week hospital stay.
We are often encouraged to embody the change we desire, to believe in the interconnectedness of existence, and to trust in a higher power. While these principles resonate with many, they do not negate the reality of human emotions. We can no longer simply dismiss or spiritually bypass difficult emotions and pretend everything is fine.
This is where the concept of Compassion with a Side of Anger becomes relevant. It's about acknowledging and honoring the full spectrum of our emotions, even messy and uncomfortable ones.
We start with compassion for the person who has caused us pain. We recognize that hurt people hurt people. When someone is in a state of fear, they often act out hurtfully. It's like trying to hug a cactus—their defenses are up, and they may lash out with harsh words and accusations. In these moments, they desperately need love and compassion, even if their behavior makes it challenging to offer. Secondly, when I experience anger towards another person, I prioritize self-compassion. My first step is to align with my higher self. This can be difficult, but often, I can sense an impending attack and set boundaries accordingly. As Religious Science Founder Ernest Holmes describes, I turn inward; I connect with that inviolable part of myself.
It's best to stay quiet in the moment and speak later with someone who isn't the source of the pain. I might contact my spiritual practitioner, partner, or best friend. I feel safe confiding in these people who allow me to express my anger without trying to fix me or the situation. Anger can be a complex emotion to manage alongside compassion. In the past, I believed suppressing anger was necessary, but this led to passive-aggressive behaviors. I now understand that this approach harms personal growth and healthy relationships. Passive aggression, characterized by dismissive remarks like I'm fine, is not the solution. Neither are unhealthy expressions of anger, such as bullying, abuse, or sarcasm. Instead, we should aim for assertive communication, expressing our feelings openly and respectfully.
This side dish of anger requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to forgive ourselves and others. It's about recognizing that anger often stems from deeper emotions like fear, pain, and frustration—emotions that others may also be experiencing. Recently, I encountered a situation where I instinctively reacted with compassion instead of anger. A resident was facing eviction due to nonpayment of rent and a material violation (related to cleanliness). She was upset with me for taking legal action against her, which resulted in a court ruling in my favor. Initially, she lashed out. However, at that moment, my perspective shifted. Instead of seeing her as someone making my job difficult, I saw a scared woman on the verge of losing her home. She had nowhere to go, and her husband and son contributed to her current predicament. She felt trapped and overwhelmed.
I noticed her labored breathing and the evident hopelessness in her eyes. While I couldn't reverse the eviction decision, I could change my approach towards her. Throughout our interaction, she cried and attempted to manipulate the situation. I maintained my professional boundaries as a community manager and adhered to the legal requirements of my role. However, I consciously tried to use her name, speak gently, and be accommodating.
While it would be a heartwarming story if she had responded positively to my compassion, she, unfortunately, continued to blame others for her situation and faced the consequences of her actions. Nevertheless, I am satisfied that I chose to operate with compassion in this challenging situation.
After I felt the sting of the words, I felt the part of me that was You got to be kidding me. You’re the one that blah blah blah. I was all. Don’t. How dare you? Don’t you know who I am? I am laughing right now because my anger was an afterthought; it was after my Divine Self had filled the interactions with Love, Truth, and Unity. My anger came when my little self decided to examine what had happened and then I was mad. Oh, I wanted to tell that story, the mad tale. I was a victim of someone wrong and knew I could get some fodder out of this. I could hear it now, you poor thing, and oh, people are so rude or bad or whatever she was blah blah blah. And then it hit me: I did not react that way at first; no, my first response was love, not fear. My first response was kindness, not right or wrong; my first response was unity, love, and care, and then I realized compassion. It's about understanding and holding space for someone's pain, even when I'm the cause of it. This is a core principle of my religious science upbringing.
As Thich Nhat Hanh wisely noted, authentic compassion involves understanding and alleviating suffering. It's crucial to remember that this understanding can coexist with anger. Compassion goes beyond mere empathy; it requires suspending judgment and acknowledging diverse perspectives. It's a testament to our interconnectedness, a reminder that we're all in this together. So, yes, we can feel compassion and anger simultaneously. Both emotions can be authentic responses to the complexities of the human experience.
When you feel anger arising and want to move to compassion
Pause and Breathe: Take a few deep breaths to create space between the trigger and your reaction.
Acknowledge Your Anger: Notice the physical sensations and emotions without judgment. Say to yourself, I am feeling angry.
Repeat the Affirmation: In this moment, I choose to set aside anger and cultivate compassion for myself and others. I recognize that we are all interconnected and open my heart to understanding and forgiveness.
Remember, this is a practice. Cultivating compassion, especially in moments of anger, takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, and keep practicing.
Rev Jeannie Soverns embraces Love humour and authenticity by embracing in lifes adventures. Her mission is th be a safe container for hugs, comfort, humour, and compassion for those ready to live their best lives.
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