Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn
- Rev Jeannie Soverns
- Mar 15
- 5 min read
In the face of adversity, our responses can vary greatly. We might fight, flee, freeze, or fawn – each a distinct reaction to stress, often rooted in past experiences. For many, the fawn response, characterized by people-pleasing behaviors, is a particularly familiar struggle.
My Speak Up, Stand Out, Shine On column addresses overcoming this pattern. It's about learning to collaborate effectively without sacrificing our needs or desired outcomes. It's about cultivating self-assuredness and recognizing our inherent worth.
In today's fast-paced world, mental well-being is more important than ever. Shirzad Chamine, a Stanford lecturer and author of the New York Times bestseller Positive Intelligence, has developed a powerful framework for improving mental fitness.
Chamine's Positive Intelligence (PQ) framework focuses on self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-compassion. Through practices like PQ Reps, individuals can learn to identify and manage their inner Saboteurs— negative thought patterns that can hinder success and well-being. By cultivating their inner Sage, individuals can develop greater resilience and overall well-being.
This journey of self-discovery and growth is a continuous process. Understanding our responses to stress, cultivating self-awareness, and practicing self-compassion allows us to navigate life's challenges more confidently. Remember, we are always more than enough in all ways.
PQ Reps are straightforward mental exercises designed to disrupt negative thought patterns and cultivate positive neural pathways in the brain. These reps involve short, focused physical actions that help shift our mental state and foster a more optimistic perspective. Through consistent practice, individuals can rewire their subconscious mind, increasing self-confidence, reducing stress and anxiety, and improving overall well-being.
The effectiveness of PQ Reps is rooted in neuroplasticity, which refers to the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections. By repeatedly engaging in upbeat mental and physical actions, we can strengthen these connections and weaken the influence of negative thought patterns.
Saboteurs: Understanding Our Inner Critics
Our inner critics, or saboteurs, developed early in life as a defense mechanism to help us navigate challenging emotional and physical experiences. These ingrained patterns can persist into adulthood, influencing our thoughts and behaviors. Recognizing these patterns is a crucial step toward understanding and overcoming their limitations.
The Judge: This saboteur is characterized by a tendency to find fault in oneself, others, and circumstances. This can lead to feelings of disappointment, anger, regret, guilt, shame, and anxiety.
The Avoider: This saboteur seeks to avoid difficult or unpleasant tasks and conflicts by focusing on the positive and pleasant in an extreme way.
The Controller: Driven by anxiety, this saboteur strongly needs to take charge and control situations, often trying to bend others to their will. This can result in high stress and impatience when control is not possible.
The Hyperachiever: This saboteur relies on constant performance and achievement for self-respect and validation. This intense focus on external success can lead to workaholism, burnout, and neglect of deeper emotional and relationship needs.
The Hyper Rational: This saboteur approaches everything, including relationships, with an intense and exclusive focus on rational processing. This can lead to being perceived as cold, distant, and intellectually arrogant.
The Hyper Vigilant: This saboteur experiences continuous anxiety about potential dangers and focuses on what could go wrong. This constant vigilance can lead to a state of perpetual unease.
The Pleaser: This saboteur seeks acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others. Neglecting one's own needs can lead to a build-up of resentment.
The Restless: This saboteur constantly searches for excitement and novelty, leading to perpetual busyness and discontent.
The Stickler: This saboteur is driven by perfectionism and a need for order and organization, often to an excessive degree.
The Victim: This saboteur uses an emotional and temperamental style to gain attention and affection. This can involve an extreme focus on internal feelings, excruciating ones, and a tendency toward martyrdom.
Reflecting on how these saboteurs may have served a protective function in your childhood can provide valuable insights into your current behavior patterns. By understanding these patterns, you can begin to challenge their influence and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
The Sage: Cultivating Inner Wisdom
In contrast to the Saboteurs, the Sage represents our inner voice of wisdom, compassion, and clarity. The Sage perspective allows us to access our innate strengths, make wise decisions, and navigate life's challenges with grace and resilience.
The Sage perspective is characterized by:
Empathy: Visualize the child you were, or the other person was, look into their eye, and see the five-year-old when strong feelings are involved, and you are running low on reserves.
Exploration: Fascinated Anthropologist, when you need to discover more about what is going on before you decide to act, ask questions in a curious but not accusatory way.
Innovation: Yes… and… what I like about that idea is when the obvious or existing ideas, the in-the-box thinking, aren't cutting it.
Navigation: Older Wiser Self is when you must align with your deeper values, purpose, and meaning. I do this fantastic meditation whenever I need grounding and guidance. This is my go-to practice when I need calm and clarity.
Decisive Action: Preempt the Saboteurs by looking at which one may attempt to put you back into the saboteur mode and know when you need to take action without the Saboteur's interference.
This comes from Shirzad Chamine, a Stanford lecturer and author of Positive Intelligence, a New York Times bestselling book. For more information, please go to www.positiveintelligence.com.
My Meditation Practice for Connecting with Your Older Wiser Self
Imagine your future self: older, wiser, and at peace. This is you at the end of your life, enjoying perfect health and happiness. She has lived through everything you're experiencing now and has emerged stronger.
Visualize her surroundings. Where does she live? What kind of atmosphere surrounds her? Is it a peaceful mountain retreat, a vibrant beach house, or the home you cherish now? Is she indoors, surrounded by comfort, or outside, basking in nature's embrace? Take your time to create a vivid picture.
Now, focus on your older self. What does she look like? What is her posture? What kind of energy does she radiate? How does she feel, and what emotions are reflected in her expression? Gaze into her eyes – your eyes – that have witnessed life's journey with all its ups and downs.
Engage in a conversation with her. Ask: What truly matters? What can wait? What guidance do you have for me?" Trust that she has your best interests at heart. She will answer because she is you; her deepest desire is your well-being.
Express your gratitude to your wiser self genuinely. Embrace her, and as you do, visualize a merging of your present and future selves. Feel the unification, strength, and wisdom that come with it.
Sense the presence of your older, wiser self within you. Where is this feeling most concentrated? Place your hand there if you wish.
Gently return to the present moment. Feel the support of the ground beneath you and the chair holding you. Notice your breath, the rhythm of life flowing in and out. Feel your wiser self within, always present. Open your eyes when you're ready.
Remember, you carry a well of deep wisdom within. Connect with your inner sage; she holds the guidance you seek.
Rev. Jeannie Soverns embraces Love, humor, and authenticity by engaging in life's adventures. Her mission is to be a safe container for hugs, comfort, humor, and compassion for those ready to live their best lives.
Email sofasundaysjs@gmail.com
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